cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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