im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
