Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
You're like the curious george of whores
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
