Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
