My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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