woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
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We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
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The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Randomize