I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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