some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I just forgot I was standing up.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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