I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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