Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
