im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
