I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
