my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Randomize
