I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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