theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
