Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
