happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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