Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
