woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
