She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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