Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
