How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
