god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
