You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
