the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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