and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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