Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Randomize
