She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
