I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
