Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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