some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
He better not be in your backpack
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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