I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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