can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
What drink are we having for lunch?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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