omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
