So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
