Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
