I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
