Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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