I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
