Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
