I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
