plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I think my moral compass just broke
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
