Im at strip club and am horny
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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