Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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