I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
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i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
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Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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