Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
