hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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