last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
