The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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