The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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