Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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