Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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