I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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