It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
